Does anyone have any tips for using positive reinforcement and behavior modification for older children???

Over all he is a wonderful kid, bright, polite, gentle and loving.
However I am facing a challenge with him and failing miserably at overcoming it.

He is sort of like training a cat ...you have to make him think it was his idea all along, this is not a child who will do it because I said, or that just how it is. I wasn't either, he comes by it honestly.

We have entered the tween years which is a challenge in itself, but he is also fairly severely innatentive type ADD, which comes with all the joys of normal ADHD except he isn't physically hyper.

Currently we have nightly meltdowns over homework. He spends hours stalling and yelling and crying and pushing my buttons, until he calms down or wears himself out (or looses the battle), once he actually gets started it takes him no more time than normal to get the assignments done.

Tonights meltdown was so ridiculous, and the same fight we have had every night for weeks that I got so angry I had to take a walk and remove myself from him.

I suspect some of this is hormones,
But a lot of it is also typical ADD/ADHD problems, possibly being made worse by hormones.

So does anyone have any good strategies or creative ideas for parenting kids of this age, and/or ones dealing with learning and behavior challenges.

My strategy for tomorrow is that we are going to my Father's office to do his homework tomorrow. He will not throw a fit there like he does at home. He has a project to finish and it will be an extra challenge, hopefully the change of scenery/ having witnesses will help. There is also a really nice printer, a big table and plenty of office supplies (not to mention grandpa)

Love and Logic Basically it teaches your child that their choices results in either positive or negative consequences in a non-confrontational way.

"Oh I'm sorry honey, You chose to play around today after school so now you'll have to do it instead of watching your show on TV, as soon as I'm done with dishes I can help you if you'd like"

I was going to suggest Love and Logic as well.

It's amazing- and you can generally find free or very low cost classes through your school district. They've got books out, and the website is a great resource.
Our example around the house: (I have a 6 yr old and a 2 1/2 yr old w/ speech issues)

Logan, would you like milk, or water with dinner? If you give a child TONS of choices in little itty bitty things that really don't matter to you, they are empowered, and feel in control of the situation. This is just as important to kids as it is to adults. Give options for everything, 'would you like to eat breakfast first, or brush your hair first?' I don't care which happens first, and it makes him feel better about himself. With Kylie (2) It's more along the lines of 'would you like to put your shirt on, or your diaper/panties on first?' and she shows me, since words are limited.

More specifically to your situation Jennifer. You said he pushes your buttons. Ask him once to do his homework, (or better yet, give him a couple choices while your at it!) and then when he pitches a fit, reply with empathy (this is the KEY to Love and Logic parenting) something like 'Oh, thats a bummer', or 'I love you too much to argue'. Turn into a broken record. It's great for us parents, because when I'm using those key phrases, I don't have to think, or argue, or get worked up over what is happening. Over and Over, it's virtually brainless. I love you too much to argue. (child) But MOOOMMMM, I can't do it! (parent) Ohhh, Thats a bummer honey. I love you too much to argue. I know you can do this, and I'm happy to help when you're ready to try'

Look it up, think about getting the books. They are AMAZING. I'm almost anxious for the tween and teen years (did I just say that??!) To use this great stuff I've learned first hand.

I will have to check that book out, We need a totally new approach to our evenings.

We do try to offer lots of choices but I think I have lost patience lately and slacked on that, he told me the other day he hates being bossed around all the time, so I need to work more on giving him choices.

We did talk tonight about how this isn't working for either of us, and I don't want to be mad and upset and neither does he. But you can only do the same thing so many times knowing it upsets someone before they get really angry.

So if you know you have homework every night, and it really isn't all that bad once you get down to it, why are you choosing to make it such a big deal.

I also praise him like crazy for all his little accomplishments and reassure him that is totally smart enough, and capable.

School totally wears him out and he voluntarily takes nap when he gets home most days, the problem with that is by the time he gets up his medicine is totally worn off so homework is even harder.

He suffered a big blow to his self esteem last year in school which is part of the problem now.
Rather than recognizing and acknowledging his challenges and working with us to find solutions, his teacher chose to single him out, make him miss recess all the time, and until I found out and stopped it, he was put in a corner with a box around his desk. She would also give him incompletes and zeros if he skipped a single problem and refused to allow the request for untimed testing. She also insisted he was apathetic and lazy, despite knowing what was going on. She is now a counselor at a different school (gasp)

At one point she pointed out to me that sometimes little boys just need need to be spanked. I calmly responded that I didn't hit my dogs and I certainly was not going to hit my child.

Yes he can be busy and overly talkative, but you don't shame a child with a learning disorder in that way.

 Quote: Jennifer Lee

He suffered a big blow to his self esteem last year in school which is part of the problem now.
Rather than recognizing and acknowledging his challenges and working with us to find solutions, his teacher chose to single him out, make him miss recess all the time, and until I found out and stopped it, he was put in a corner with a box around his desk. She would also give him incompletes and zeros if he skipped a single problem and refused to allow the request for untimed testing. She also insisted he was apathetic and lazy, despite knowing what was going on. She is now a counselor at a different school (gasp)

That teacher is a bloody idiot and shouldn't be teaching. My 8 year old son is also ADHD, combined, and unmedicated at this point. There are behavioral strategies that work well with ADHD kids, once you understand how to implement them and do it consistently. Much of it relates to dog training, IMO! I am a member of this forum:

http://www.addforums.com

I highly recommend it; I have learned so much by reading and participating in that forum. I'm going to provide a link that will take you to a section called 'Dizfriz's Corner'. He's a member there who has done counseling for families with ADHD kids.

He has put together a series of notes that really helped me understand my child better, and how to motivate him and how to discipline him effectively. Warning though, his editing and grammar skills aren't the best!

They are fairly lengthy, and I found it much easier to read when I printed them out and was able to refer back to sections that I thought were particularly relevent.

Dizfriz's Corner

You do not need to register to view posts, but I highly recommend it.

I work with students like your son on a daily basis. Think of the kids in the classroom that drive the teacher crazy...well, those are MY kids. Each day is an adventure and a learning experience rolled into one. I love it!

I highly recommend the book Choice Theory by Dr. William Glasser. It takes a little thought to adapt the ideas for kids, but it is so valuable. Parents are always amazed that the phrase "are you making a good choice?", along with high expectations can make their child think about and change their actions.

Another thing to think about is setting goals that are attainable. I find this helps my students immensely.

I also really ignore negative behavior. I had a student last week who was struggling to complete an activity. It was just very slightly above his level, but still doable. This child wanted my attention soooo badly and I would not give it to him while he was pitching his fit. He successfully completed that activity after about 20 minutes and I gave him specific praise on what he did good in his performance. This week he surpassed his goal and did it in 5 minutes. No reaction from me = no performance from him!

Also, spending some time to work on visualization skills would probably benefit him. Many of my students cannot picture the outcome of their actions and just sort of end up in a mess without realizing what got them there. A great site (albeit a pay one) is http://www.lumosity.com

Lastly, have you had a comprehensive eye exam done by a behavioral optometrist? About 90% of the ADD/ADHD students I have worked with have problems with their vision (how the eyes work together, double vision, etc.) that have gone undetected and cause lots of problems!

 Quote: Melissa Hoyer

Lastly, have you had a comprehensive eye exam done by a behavioral optometrist? About 90% of the ADD/ADHD students I have worked with have problems with their vision (how the eyes work together, double vision, etc.) that have gone undetected and cause lots of problems!

Funny that you bring this up! I just had my son assessed yesterday by a behavioral optometrist, and although his acuity is good (20/20), his vision, per se, has issues. His eyes don't work well together...

Trying to figure out a way to pay for therapy. I do feel that this plays a big part in his inattention and hyperactivity issues...

PS you sound like a great teacher!

Lynne,

That is actually what I do...I am a vision therapist and we do academic work at our center also.

If you think about a child's development sequentially in terms of movement & touch, sound, then vision, it makes a lot of sense that a student with ADD/ADHD is sort of stuck in their development and cannot move forward to using vision properly. In other words, I call them a "movement, touch, and sound" kid. The vision therapy can give them the boost they need to make that jump in development and often many, if not all, of the ADD/ADHD symptoms subside. I see it everyday.

But yes, it is expensive. Have you checked with your medical insurance to see if they will cover a portion?

For more info: http://pavevision.org/ or http://covd.org/

We did have the exam done for his eyes and they did further testing saying that he needed 15 weeks of 3 days a week of therapy at 200 dollars a pop....I just can't do that.

Then I learned that close to 90% of the children this clinic sees are told they need this therapy.

SO I am going to pursue a second opinion.

He did however need reading glasses and has an astygmatism.

I think part of the problem is that he has no concept of how long something is actually going to take, in his mind it is going to be hours of misery when in reality it is maybe 10 or 15 minutes.

My husband also made him a chart last night and is going to be
the one who makes sure we actually use it.
20 points and he gets a decent sized reward like incredible pizza or a new video game or a trip to the aquarium.

I think immediate rewards are more effective, but that is difficult as they get older.

20 points could take him a week, or it could take 2 months or longer depending on his choices.

I am also considering diverting the anxious meltdown behavior into something physical like jumping jacks. Not as a punishment but as a way to send that energy into something less destructive.