Instead of rewarding her and stopping and waiting for her to whine..keep engaging with the toy in the first place, release the the tension.

Like when Logan sees a hated dog that barks at him, I get his attention and play tug...anytime the other dog barking got his attention, I grabbed the tug and yanked it from him and reengaged him, whatever helps your dog to stay interested.

For some reason, I don’t think your interpretation:

 Quote: Jodi Moen

"You are the meanest mum! I hate you, I want to go after that dog! Why won't you let me go after that dog? You are so mean! You are a meanie!"

is quite what Amber is thinking. Funny as heck, but you're being far too hard on yourself and personalizing it as a direct verbal assault on you.

Barking and whining are a way that dogs vocalize excitement and are able to release some of that excited energy.

I;d look at more along the lines of:

Okay I'm sitting but, but, but...there's a dog over there and other dogs are so exciting. They get me really excited, see how excited I am. Don't you see him, don't you see him. He's right there. Let's go. Hurry, hurry before he goes away. Come on, let's go, let's go.

Not really, but it really has nothing to do with you. It's more about her energy level when she sees other dogs.

If I remember correctly (and correct me if I'm wrong because I’m just going off a memory here), you initially had ideas of putting her into some kind of doggy day care. Has she had a lot of exposure to playing with other dogs? Does she still play with other dogs?

Aside from her nemesis (and sorry, I don't recall what happened there) how is she with other dogs? I’m thinking she’s the kind that wants to initiate excited play right away.

Personally, I think Bob gave you the perfect advice and so succinctly:

 Quote: Bob Scott

If your using markers to reward the dog ignoring the distraction, just extend the time you wait till the dog quiets down. That may take a bit since the dog could now be looking at the "yelling" as the thing your rewarding if the timing is off.

Once she’s sitting with focus on you, her attention can start to be expanded but she needs to learn that her tantrums have absolutely no effect on you and will get her nothing.

I see you said you "usually" use a toy. How are you delivering it? She sits, you "give" it to her, then you take it back, then she starts to bark and you give it back to her?

I know it's probably a little tough as it migbht be somewhat embarrassing or distracting to you but this is where it's getting reinforced for her. She's getting her toy and it's getting you moving.

Her vocalizing should not get her one word or movement out of you unless you've actually trained a "leave it" or "quiet" type command.

At this point, she's not listening anyway. Any words coming from you are just adding to the excitement. Quite, calm is what needs to get your attention, bringing on the great rewards and starting the fun times, with you.

And don't underestimate what can be fun for a dog. "Let’s see how frustrated we can get our human today", is a game I'm sure they teach each other. Don't play - trust me, you’ll lose.

As Bob mentioned, this may take a bit because her tantrums have been reinforced. You’re going to have to sit her out.

I'd probably be working on a "Leave it" with her and practicing my ignoring skills whenever she gets into this state. Does she do it around the house at all? If you're finding the ignoring difficult, you can always turn your back to her. Stand as still as possible and don't say a word until she settles and stops. Then "Yes" and out with the toy or treats or whatever she finds rewarding. If she starts again after the reward, turn your back again.

Once she starts to get the idea and is calming quickly, you can name it or put it on a cue. I'd want at least 20 good responses with something like this before you name it though otherwise, again, your words are just adding confusion to the already escalated mix.

And Jodi, for what it's worth, I think you're a very good mom. She simply doesn't know any different way to act right now. A mean mom wouldn't be teaching her the manners she needs to get along in this world. You can do this.

Yes to what CJ and Bob said about timing, very important. If you reward to ignore with the tug and giver a a good tug workout, there shouldn't be frustration talking. Eventually she'll require less and less tug to stay engaged.

And yes, if she starts whining after playing....wait until she is not whining for a second (extend time later) say your quiet command, reward. Timing very important! I have screwed that up before, accidentally marked right as Logan looked at another dog...ooops (I cheated and gave a piece of food instead LOL). Stuff happens just keep looking forward.

 Quote: CJ Barrett

For some reason, I don’t think your interpretation:

 Quote: Jodi Moen

"You are the meanest mum! I hate you, I want to go after that dog! Why won't you let me go after that dog? You are so mean! You are a meanie!"

is quite what Amber is thinking. Funny as heck, but you're being far too hard on yourself and personalizing it as a direct verbal assault on you.

Barking and whining are a way that dogs vocalize excitement and are able to release some of that excited energy.

I;d look at more along the lines of:

Okay I'm sitting but, but, but...there's a dog over there and other dogs are so exciting. They get me really excited, see how excited I am. Don't you see him, don't you see him. He's right there. Let's go. Hurry, hurry before he goes away. Come on, let's go, let's go.

With Sadie, it's pretty similar...

"But Daaadddd, He touched YOUR mailbox! C'mon, let's get 'em. C'mon, c'mon! Don't you think it would be fun to chase the mailman? I've been locked in here ALL DAY with cats and dogs and strangers passing by OUR window! I would have fun! Let me chase him... PLEASE!"

Logan says stuff like "Why are we going THIS way, I NEED to go THAT way...the other dog might have marked over everything I marked, Don't you understand??? PLEASE!!!!"

I try not to take it personally with her, she does do this behavior on a walk particularly if my sister is with us and get ahead of us, she'll have a temper tantrum and attempt to pull me along. She also has car anxiety and will at times tantrum at imagined (very real to her)offenses, the car is definite anxiety related as I believe her breeder left her in a hot car when she was very young, she is vastly improved in this.
She really hasn't met any dogs, I never did daycare with her, I think the general feeling was it would be too much at once, and we've spent most of our walking time trying to avoid dogs to get her reactivity under control. One of the last times she was in a conservation area she was attacked, and then her "nemesis" a little terrier came through the fence and attacked her, so I've tried to de-escalate that. She goes to the dog park in an area by herself where I can use toys to try to desensitize her. I haven't trusted any of the other dogs with her.
Her reward is me throwing her favorite toy so she can catch it, we don't do tug, mainly fetch, which she loves.

I forgot what kind of dog you have. Does she not like tug or you just don't do it?

Tug is a real good stress release for my dog and the best thing is it doesn't require him to run off out of my immediate control. In other words, we don't need space to do it and don't need a long line to do it. That's why I use it and its his highest drive level, easier to keep him into it. For him its his highest value reward.

There is a point where I feel I can switch to fetch and trust him to focus on the ball not the other dog.

Basically what you're doing sounds very good....maybe you can (when she mouths off LOL) just have her focus on the ball and when she is focused and acting nicely, drop it, toss whatever. Do you have any drive building videos or familiar with it at all?

GSD-2 years old now. She LOVES fetch, its what I play when I work on desensitizing and she will be extemely focused on it, more so than than with tug.

Have you ever done drive building with a ball on a string? Or does it have a to a ball no strings attached?

Logan doesn't like to play tug with a ball on a string much. Yet he goes nuts over it if I tease him and toss it.

Anyhow if you've ever seen somebody put a dog into drive with any toy and then once the dog is fixated ask for a sit, down, heel etc. That kind of focus you could use around other dogs too...anytime she gets distracted, tease her to regain drive and focus then toss it. Maybe you are doing this already I don't know.

No I'm not, I've been working on mainly verbals and distraction. I haven't played tug with her because she was a bit mouthy as a pup and I didn't want to encourage that biting (even if its an object I'm holding is ok). Haven't done the ball on a string.