RULES FOR DOGS
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person.
If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- alot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house.
Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human.
Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice.
If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers.
There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor.
It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe
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How to Prepare for a Puppy!
(1) Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk arund barefoot in the dark.
(2) Wear a sock to work that has had the toe shredded by a blender.
(3) Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain and dark saying,
"Be a good puppy, go potty now - hurry up -come on, let's go!"
(4) Cover all your best suits with dog hair.
Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair.
Also float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.
(5) Play "catch" with a wet tennis ball.
(6) Run out in the snow in your bare feet to close the gate.
(7) Tip over a basket of clean laundry, scatter clothing all over the floor.
(8) Leave your underwear on the living room floor because that's where the dog will drag it anyway.
(Especially when you have company)
(9) Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the door shouting:
"No no! Do that OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the program.
(10) Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning,
and don't try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.
(11) Gouge the leg of the dinning room table several times with a screwdriver,
it's going to get chewed on anyway.
(12) Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself.
This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls asleep on your lap...
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Found these on several websites over the past few months and thought I'd share
A little dog humour...
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