I am at my wits end with my 3 boys and their attitude toward training the dog. Or rather, their lack of knowledge about virtually anything related to training, and undermining (or at the very least providing inconsistency) the work that my husband and I do with Cali. (Lab, 8 months.)

They are 20, 18, and 16. They're not children. No surprise, the 16 y/o know-it-all is the worst. (20 y/o is home from college, so he is only here part time.) These are good kids who give us no trouble, are super students, are generally agreeable, and all-around very nice people--except when it comes to talking about training the dog. They love to dismiss anything their dad and I share in terms of what we are doing in training as, basically, ridiculous. It is SO frustrating!!!! It sometimes leads to contention and upset when I put my foot down. The last thing my husband and I wanted was to set up a power struggle with us being the "boss" of the dog. But for the sake of her training, that's how it is turning out.

Have we involved them the the training? Hell, yes. We had them commit to a series of training classes, and had them attend with us when Cali was a young puppy. Then we had a trainer from Guiding Eyes who has raised 6 Lab puppies for the program come to the house to work with us and Cali in her environment 1x/week for two months. We included them in those sessions. It's like they didn't hear a word. We have a number of Leerburg videos that we train from and consult over and over, but they've yet to watch one.

For instance, today I was doing "leave it" training with Cali on the kitchen. I was using the tennis ball--her highest value toy--as we have work to do in this area. My son started going on and on about how that doesn't work, and it will just make her want it more...blah, blah. I try to explain what I was actually doing, and it goes in one ear and out the other. He also thinks clicker training is "stupid."

My 20 y/o keeps complaining that Cali "bites" him when she jumps up to grab the tennis ball out of his hand. I try to explain, that it's HIS responsibility to do x-y-z to help us train her not to do that. She's jumping because she hasn't learned completely that she is not allowed to. WE have to do the work of training. You would have thought I had three heads.

They basically want her to be a grown-up, super-trained, completed commodity. Arrrrgh!!!!

Anyone else deal with household members who undermine the work you do? Any advice? The good thing is I spend the lion's share of the time with Cali, so at least I'm on the same page with myself! My husband is very consistent too, and we work together beautifully with the dog.

Thanks for the venting.

too many handlers. one person should be the primary trainer and the others assist as needed.

Thanks, Dennis. That's it in a nutshell isn't it? That makes me feel much better. The primary handler is me. I'm good at it, I'm consistent, and I work at it every day. My husband is right there as primary back up. I just couldn't get out of my own way, and see it from the perspective you articulated so simply. I just wanted the kids to "help" and not undermine. Plus, I think there's a lot of self-realization and learning for oneself that comes from training animals, and hoped they would experience some of that.

I do feel better, and not so buffeted about. Thanks again, and thanks to everyone for the vent. I still feel better after spewing.

my two youngest help alot with the care and feeding. They help with the distraction training and the send out. Mrs Jones is only interested in her dog "Max" who is nothing more then a self propeled teddy bear but I still have to do all the work with him.

20, 18 and 16?? The dog is yours, while they may have wanted the puppy, the bottom line is kids run the other way when there is pooh to pick up, dog to walk, puppy to let out in the middle of the night, etc. besides you are almost empty nesters. The one who loves you unconditionally is the dog!

My 21 y/o daughter watched and mostly laughed at me when I was trying to get a long down position the other day. (home from college and not much help--had to beg her to accompany me on a walk).

When the paws go up onto the sofa, I turn away with my hands hidden. Everyone else around here reaches out to pet the beast....

venting is good

Hi Linda,

I really feel for you. You are in a tough situation.

When I first brought Toni home (our first Malinois), Paul (my BF) was basically my "untrainer." Everything I would train her to do, he would "untrain" her. Extremely frustrating. It got to the point where I would not share her command words with him because I was afraid they would lose their value if he did not enforce them.

Then Toni bit a delivery person next to our house. I BLEW UP at Paul. He was mad because she bit this person. I was mad because he gave her no direction or leadership and felt she had to do it to protect herself (I was not home when it happened).

SO, after I calmed down and stopped screaming and yelling, I sat down with him and explained: If he is unable to abide by MY training methods for MY dogs, he will simply not have any contact with them. He puts my dogs in dangerous situations when he allows them to not obey commands. He sets my training back MONTHS when he does this. I put a lot of time and effort into training , and if he can't respect that, then he is disrespecting me and will not have contact with my dogs.

I also introduced Paul to Michael Ellis' methods. Michael's methods have merit-- he has won how many INTERNATIONAL TITLES with his dogs? Do your kids actually think they can do better???? Perhaps they could do with a little humility? When they are all grown up, perhaps they can get their own dogs and train them. Until then, they will just have to respect your training. Tell them that when they beat Michael at an MR3 trial, then you will listen to them....

Oh, and once Paul went to a Michael Ellis seminar, he was hooked. He now has his own dog that he is training, and will even ask me for advice once in a while Show the boys some video of Michael and his dog Pi. Paul really started to respect what Michael said when he saw Pi and Donna Matey's dog Jackson (one of Michael's pups trained in Michael's methods). Show them what these methods actually produce...

Granted, Paul isn't a teen aged boy, but there are days....

I wish you the best of luck!!!! And you can vent any time

--Kelly

 Quote: linda patch

Anyone else deal with household members who undermine the work you do? Any advice?

Pick your battles and do not seek to change the things in the world you cannot change.

When I first moved here from Colorado I was working full time and commuting an hour on either end. It was long days and was happy when my father decided to come be my housemate during the week so he didn't have to commute two hours one way anymore.

The downside of this is my older brother is the bad influence and where my dad is, my siblings will inevitably follow.

As usual I have my house rules of when I am not home my dogs are in their runs and not to be messed with. This is both out of respect for my family members (they shouldn't have to be bothered by my pets) and out of safety for my dogs (No one cares for my pets like I do)

Well one day I call home and my dad tells me my brother came over for dinner with my then 1 year old nephew. I hear a dog shriek over the phone and I'm told my nephew pulled my dog's hair. If you've never had one of those moments where you mentally just blew a gasket but managed to mutter words calmly you must try it sometime. "Put the dog back in the kennel. I'll deal with this when I get home."

Anyway I get home, call my brother and chew him out for not respecting my rules in my home, my dogs are not allowed to be touched without me being there etc. I then call my Dad to task for not respecting my things and allowing that to happen since I had made it clear that the dogs were to be left alone. I have never budged on this rule of Leave my dogs alone and as time has gone on it has made things easier concerning training, behavior modifications, etc because I'm able to really control the environment.

Now this becomes harder if you want your family to interact with the family pet. Hence why you cannot change things in the world outside of your control. You can't make a kid want to train a dog effectively if they're not interested, so why not wait until they want to learn and just control the environment until then?

You could tell them that since they are the problem animals in the house, you will have them put to sleep if the behavior doesn't stop. Pronto.

I'm sure it was a person on this forum who did this, this lady was working hard with her SchutzHund and her husband was undermining her efforts and ruining the dog. she told him that she doesn't interfer with his hobbies and to leave her alone with hers. He persisted in being a payne in the arse so she took his golf clubs from the closet and decided to chip rocks and dog poo over the fence. wonder what a driver hitting frozen dog piles sounds like, anyway I'm not sure how it ended

 Quote: jenni williams

You could tell them that since they are the problem animals in the house, you will have them put to sleep if the behavior doesn't stop. Pronto.

I am so proud of you! You already have the makings of a great Mom!

My advice is similar and I offer it as a mother of a 20, 18 and 16 year old. Linda, the undermining you speak of is easy to deal with; they do not have a right to an opinion. Don't listen to their nonsense and most definitely do not explain yourself. Crass as it may be "Shut up" works for me.